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For the Bardes that parlent anglais

DaoC Wilderness Guide: Hibernia: Melodious Tabby

A fairly common wanderer among the green lands of Emain Macha, the Melodious Tabby is the 3rd and final member of the Naturalist family of felines. Around the same size and physical strength as the Bubble Kitten, the Tabby has a thinner pelt then either of its two cousins. It also lacks the Bubble Kitten's ability to avoid harm, and the Perennial Lynx's ability to shrug off punishment. In fact, out of the 3, sadly, the Tabby probably has the lowest life expectancy. With over 50% not even surviving their 15th to 19th seasons.

While small and adorable, the Tabby, like the Bubble Kitten, is born clawless and naive. Unknowing and unaware of the cruel fate that surely awaits to pray upon it. This isn't to say the Tabby is useless, far from it, it shares the same soothing and supporting abilities as its two cousins. Its calming purr can sooth and relax even the mentally unstable Dancing Moose (although nothing will ever sedate the damn things from well, dancing). Making it an invaulable addition to any group or pack.

Unfortunately, as the weakest of the Feline Naturalist family, which is saying something, it quite literally has no natural defences. Its main method of self defence is the fact it can book it like a bat out of hell faster then any other native species. Of course in order to do this it requires perfect, uninterrupted concentration and a "warm up" distance thats longer then some rivers. Thus it can only employ this method of self defence when its not being attacked, looked at, breathed upon, having bad thoughts sent in its generation direction or inhabiting the same 10 square miles as any hostile species.

Its secondary method of defence, desperately screaming for help, isn't usually overly successful either, as the Tabby may perish faster then any of its companions can even begin to save it. That leaves it with but one final method of self defence. Purring. Its soothing purr and large, adorable "Please sweet Jesus don't kill me" eyes may briefly mesmerize charging opponents, or make them forget exactly what they were trying to crush into a wet smear across MWE in the first place. If, by some sweet gracious miracle of God, the Tabby cat is left unmolested in a battle for more then 2 seconds, it may actually break out into a full fledged purr fest, an area effect Giga Purr if you will. So powerful it may lull entire groups of attackers into momentary non-homicidalness.

Of course, this is all in theory. In practice, the Tabby has one critical disadvantage. Its pelt. Unlike other native species, who tend to have pelts that allow them to blend into their natural habitate, the Tabby's pelt is a screaming whirl of magic hippie voodoo rainbow colours. Under direct light, this furry chromatic super nova will even seem to shift hues. With this amazing rainbow display, the Tabby can be easily spotted by predators miles away on the horizon. Like a glorious tye dye "PLEASE KILL ME NOW I AM WORTH TEH RPZ" sign, this pelt immediately signals any and all hostile species in the area that the Tabby is indeed small, soft, squishy and full of delicious rp nutrients that will burst forth like a gyser of juicy fruit goodness at the slightest intent of violence in its direction.

While possessing some (laughable) offensive capabilities, the Tabby is often forbidden from using them. Its soothing purr is so much of a boon to its group mates that they'll forbid it from actually joining in in combat. Often times, they will instruct the Tabby to just "Run around in a circle and try not to let anything hit you.", while at the same time instructing it to "Oh and heal too." Leaving the Tabby sad, confused and alone. Oh, and one shot meal ticket for anything that can hit harder then a gentle summer breeze.

This isn't to say the Tabby is completely devoid of natural weaponary, well, it is, almost, but it does have some. While it lacks claws, it can mew very very loudly, so loudly it actually hurts your ears. Might even give you a headache. Of course, this means that 50% of the Tabby's total offence capabilities can be neutralized by plugging your ears and going "La la la, I'm not listening!". The other 50% can be neutralized by sneezing in its general direction, thus causing it critical injury.

While calmer and more mentally stable then its two cousin species, the abuse it sometimes suffers at the hands of both friend and foe alike may indeed drive it into the same vein of unsatisfied homicidal tendencies as its cousins. This tendency is not yet fully understood, but it has been observed in action on rare occasionals in the wild. Known as the "@#$@ It Snap Effect", the Tabby may occasionally reach a breaking point, especially if its life is in danger, where it will suddenly switch to full offence.

This most commonly happens while the Tabby is being pursued or menancing by a larger, more physically powerful species. Which is to say anything with more lethal capabilities and weaponary then an annoyed squirrel. While this situation is occuring, it is likely the Tabby may have a "*@#$ It Snap Effect". This will be evident when the Tabby suddenly grinds to a stop, turns, bears its teeth, and with eyes full of an unquenchable desire to kill, maim and destroy, launches itself at its attacker. Often times this sudden change from weak, pitiful mewing furball to homicidal blood thirsty screaming pitiful furball is enough to stun or surprise opponents long enough for the Tabby to attack. Since it lacks claws, the Tabby will attempt to strike and latch onto a vital area of its aggressor with its teeth. Such as the earlope, bottom lip, rim of a nostril, pinky finger, nipple, left buttock, or in the case of a male aggressor, vital areas better left unsaid. If this attack succeeds, the Tabby, with a mouth full of vitals, will continue to unleash a muffled, yet blood curdling scream of rage while futilely beating its opponent with its paws. Being clawless, this relentless assault is much like having a 5 year old girl pummel you with marshmellows.
However, the Tabby's jaws will lock into a deathgrip. While it may succumb to death within 2 or less blows from its attacker, the jaws will not release whatever squishy vital treasures they may have latched onto. You may require expert attention and even surgical removal in order to disengage the Tabby from your tender vittles.

There are a couple of different breeds of Tabby, though mixed breeds are always possible. They are as follows:


Purring Tabby Cat (AKA the Colourful RP Pinata, Fast Food, Wendy One Shot, Kill Me Now or simply Target.)

This breed has very little in the way of offensive capabilities or life expectancy, but its sheer adorability and soothing purr make it a coveted addition to any group. While weak and begging for death in its technicolour dreamcoat pelt, if left unmolested the Purring Tabby Cat can sooth, relax and recuperate every aspect of its adopted group. Its also extremely cuddly and makes a good lap warmer. The Purring Tabby Cat is also the single most powerful dispenser of the guilt trip in the entire realm. Treat it with great affection. You have been warned.

Known Calls
"Hey guys? Can I at least take out my shield? Please?"
"Hmm....3 second casting time. Unfortunately, thats around 4 times my life expectancy.
"I can hit things too ya know! I don't exsist just to play end song. No really I don't, stop laughing...."
"!!!! I GOT KILL SPAM! AND I WAS ON THE HAPPY END OF IT! I am the King! WHO DA MAN?! WHO DA MAN?!"
"Well, I tried to sell myself on ebay....but I was only worth $24.65."
"Good armour? Negative. Good damage? Negative. Good life expecteny? Negative. Giant friggan colourful musical beacon around my head that says KILL ME NOW? Check!"
"Ohhh, we're getting a 2nd bard in the party? Does that mean I can fight now? Oh, right, play powersong....jerks."
"I'm playing end song dammit, you don't have to keep asking me to do it. Do I keep asking you to SWING SWORD PLZ?! No? Well then shut up."
"Hey, um....can anyone kill a guard patrol? Please? They've been chasing me for the last hour and a half.....anyone?"
"It may only do 57(-43) but I'm going to cram this drum up your ass sideways if you say "end" and "song" in the same sentence to me again."
"!!! I LIVED LONG ENOUGH TO GET OFF AE MEZZ! I AM THE KING! WHO DA MAN?! WHO DA MAN?!"
"How much I can heal you is directly proporational to how much running in a circle screaming for my life I have to do, which is equal to how well you protect me. Now go find us a rez Captain F8 2 Winz."


Whirling Tabby Cat (AKA The Battle Bard)

A bizzarre and rather rare mutation of the Tabby, the Whirling Tabby, much like the Raging Bubble Kitten, was born with claws. Small, little girl press on nail claws, but claws just the same. This breed is prone to having a "*@&# It Snap Effect" once every few minutes, if its not constantly engulfed in one as is. The only time this breed purrs is when its chasing down something. Otherwise its best not to incur its scratch happy wrath, it will purr for you when its damn well good and ready.

Known Calls

"I will play end song when *I* get tired, now shove over sword boy, I'll show you how its REALLY done."
"Hmph, unlike you so called "real" bards, I can get off up to THREE styled hits before I die."
"Booyah, unlike you guys and yer sissy instruments, I keep my unspec'd shield EQUIPPED and OUT. That gives me a 3% chance to live longer then one hit! BEAT THAT!"
"Well, see, my speed song lets me come SCREAMING out of the trees at my target at around mach 5, then my high weapon spec lets me surprise them by actually seeing a Bard hitting them. Then, when they finally recover from the shock, my feeble amount of hit points and armour will require them to work up at least a bit of a sweat as they swing at least two or three times to crush me into a gooey afterthought. I AM the King."
"Fire blade! Spectrum Blade! FIRE BLADE! SPECTRUM BLADE! FIR.......need rez."
"Jerk, I was sitting there styling him with my sword and he just spammed /laugh. Thats when I crammed my flute up his nose and beat him to death with my lute. *Sigh* and you thought twisting was hard on instruments."


Pas le courage de traduire.
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Baccardi [Tmpst]
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marrant
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Avatar de Pretty
Pretty
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j'ai commencé a lire les deux premiers paragraphe , j'ai rien compris .

c'est un truc comique ?
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Baccardi [Tmpst]
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Citation:
Provient du message de Pretty / Ykio
j'ai commencé a lire les deux premiers paragraphe , j'ai rien compris .

c'est un truc comique ?
c'est l'etude de la faune d'hibernia et plus particulierement de l'espece Melodious Tabby
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Andromalius
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Tres bon.
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Avatar de sank
sank
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C'est un texte comique plutot bien ecrit sur le barde, et en particulier sur :

- Sa tres faible durée de vie en rvr
- Le traitement de chien que lui infligent souvent ses realmates

J'ai un barde. et Je /agree 200%. En plus c'est drole.

PS : Non j'ai pas le courage de tout traduire. Surement pas.
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victoire@ffxi
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Re: For the Bardes that parlent anglais
Citation:
Provient du message de Alakhnor
"How much I can heal you is directly proporational to how much running in a circle screaming for my life I have to do, which is equal to how well you protect me. Now go find us a rez Captain F8 2 Winz."
LOOOL ^^

mine de rien c'est presque tout le RvR en une phrase ça...
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victoire, elvaan ♀ (FFXI/kujata)
eadinseva, champion elfe (DAoC/ys) *retraité*
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Citation:
"!!!! I GOT KILL SPAM!
déja celle là j'aime bien
mais le commentaire
Citation:
AND I WAS ON THE HAPPY END OF IT!
j'adore ^^
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Daarkyel Tennyo [Fsk]
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lol , c'est très bon

Et le pire , c'est que c'est tellement vrai :X
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